Tales from the "Stale Turn Bar and Grill"

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Tales from the "Stale Turn Bar and Grill"

Post#1 » Sat Sep 10, 2005 8:22 pm

On a space station deep in the Echo Cluster there is a bar known to many great captains and commanders. A fiendly place where everybody knows your name .... oops sorry, wrong bar. Where jokes, puns, and tall tales are told with a decidedly VGAP flavor ....

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once!"

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Post#2 » Sat Sep 10, 2005 8:24 pm

The Stale Turn Bar and Grill was hosting the regular meeting of the area's VGA Planets Captains. The Dread Pirate Jackson arrived late and made his way over to the bar with a noticable limp.

After ordering, the large, balding Klingon next to him looked him over, and said "Jackson, you've been in battle - you have many new injuries since we last drank together."

"Nah", replied Jackson, "I'm fine."

Bleys of Borg scanned him with his cybernetic implants and said, "Erroneous data. Your lower-left appendage has been replaced with a primitive wooden prosthesis."

"Eh?" replied Jackson.

"What the tinkertoy over there meant is you've got a new wooden leg", grumbled Praetor Spectre over his Romulan ale.

"Oh, that." Jackson grinned. "Forgot about that - I lost it to a disruptor blast on a boarding party a couple of months back".

Several others began to gather around the pirate. "And what of your hand"? asked the Hydran Andrs'san.

Jackson held up his right hand, grinned and wiggled his fingers. "Never better!"

"C'mon, Jackson" Ninja Scott motioned with his half-drained Corona. "He means your other hand."

"Yessssss ... the one with the noticcccable hook", added an imposing Gorn with a battle-axe strapped on his hip.

"OK, Meat-Axe, relax!" Jackson replied. "I lost that when a plasma conduit blew out during a raiding run."

"And what about that eye?" asked a Federation captain from the back of the bar.


"Out with it, Jackson." added Niko O'Neil. "You know Foster is talking about that large black patch - y'know, the one over your left eye!"

"Yeah .." Jackson sighed. "I lost that on a landing party on Angella Prime. A flock of mini-dracs were flying overhead and one crapped in my eye."

"Jackson, you miserable p'tak." growled the Klingon. "You expect us to believe you were blinded by drac-droppings!?!"

"Well ... actually, it was my first day wearing the hook."

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once!"

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Post#3 » Sat Sep 10, 2005 11:42 pm

Klauser wrote:"Well ... actually, it was my first day wearing the hook."
You need to put a cork on that hook Ruprick. \:D/
Best Regards,


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Post#4 » Sun Sep 11, 2005 8:09 pm

Crime and Punishment

It was a slow night at the Stale Turn Bar and Grill - not too many customers, but several regular captains were gathered at the bar trying to out-do each other with outlandish tales.

After listening to several moderately entertaining tales, Captain Andrs'san spoke up, "Your stories hare amusing, but do not compare to one I saw on my way here through the Argolis Cluster."

There was a moment of silence around the bar - the normally quiet Hydran Captain rarely told any stories.

Finally, Captain Skyfox prodded, "OK Andrs'san, let's hear it".

The Hydran took a long pull from his drinking bulb and began.

"As you know, we Hydrans prefer starports on colder worlds. My last refueling stop in the cluster was at Garolus - it has a Neutronium cracking plant on the largest moon of the system's gas giant. A very cold world, even by Hydran standards, yet it was owned and staffed by humans."

"The moon has a fairly thick atmosphere so that pressure suits are not required - but the frigid temperature and large amounts of methane in the atmosphere required the human servicing crews to where heavy protective clothing plus a rebreathing apparatus. All-in-all, not very pleasant working conditions."

"Anyway, I was relaxing in the lounge when an obviously angry human pilot barges storms into the manager's booth across from the lounge and demands to see the port supervisor."

"In a loud, obnoxious voice, he claims he is the port owner's nephew and demands that his single-ship be given priority refueling and servicing. Totally unnecessary, as the ground crew was just finishing refueling my ship and his ship was next in the queue."

"The supervisor try's to reason with this idiot, who continues to storm around and bluster, even after the ground crew forgoes their normal break between ships and starts to work immediately after topping off my tanks."

Andrs'san tool another pull from his drink and continued.

"I could have started my pre-departure checks, but was ahead of schedule, and I wanted to see how this played out."

"This idiot pilot continued to harass the ground crew through out the entire refueling and service check. Once completed, the pilot stormed out and started his pre-lift checks."

"Sure enough, he was back after several minutes - angry as hell. Turns out that the ground crew hadn't totally drained the latrine holding tank. The pilot rages on about the poor quality of service and the questionable parentage of the entire port's staff. An obviously fed-up maintenance supervisor starts towards the pilot - and I was convinced my patience was about to be rewarded with a front-row seat to a serious attitude adjustment."

"Unfortunately, the port supervisor steps between them and calms the maintenance man down. The man storms out towards the service area, and sure enough, within minutes I notice that one of his young technicians slowly making his way to the ship with a latrine service bot ."

"As luck would have it, the service bot had frozen solid, so the young technician has to pull it's backup and restart the process. Regardless of his obvious irritation, the young tech closely monitors the bot's progress while it finishes draining the tank."

"When the young tech finally returns to the supervisors office, the pilot unloads on him, 'Boy, your poor attitude and shoddy workmanship has caused me to be behind schedule - and I'm going to see to it that you are not only reprimanded, but punished.'"

"To which the young tech replied, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your 'boy". I've been working on this godforsaken iceball for three months now without a break. I'm the junior tech on staff, and I work in 150 degrees below zero pumping crap out of starships on the graveyard shift.'"

"'Now just what form of punishment did you have in mind?'"

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once!"

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